I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
