Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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