just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We left the knife in your bed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
