I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
