totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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