we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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