Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
do nipples grow back?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
