the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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