so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
