I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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