Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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