Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
