I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
