just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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