somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
