Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
