u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
