party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
