you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
