omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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