i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
