it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
