Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The adults are the big ones right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
