I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize