Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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