Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
