he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
