I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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