He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
