Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
