Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
