He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
