the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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