The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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