Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
