Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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