i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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