i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
