Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
