Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
