he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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