guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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