Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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