There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
