Screwed.edu
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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