The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
