she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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