He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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