Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
