remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
