I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
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she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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