There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
false alarm. still invincible.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
