im drinking this country out of the recession.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize